I think my depression's getting worse.
Or maybe i'm just going through a brief episode of it getting worse and being dramatic about it.
I'm not particularly good at telling the difference. It's been like... Four days.
Lately i've been dreading the days between social calls. I can spend all I like on here coding or playing p4au I like. It's still... It's so long.
I haven't seen my brother in days. I probably won't see him again for a week. At least, hopefully, he'll pay the rent next time. And my dad... He hates coming over here. I don't know why. But he hates being in the house very long. I don't even get along with him that well nowadays, but it's hard to know. Look at my calendar and see oh, four more days before I get to hear another person's voice. I want to get a job, or volunteer, or go find some classes, or something. But I can't drive and my brother has the car anyway. It's not like i'm not used to it, exactly. This isn't any worse then it was before. But it's been... Harder on my mind, lately. I think all the work I have to do around the house is getting to me. At least I have Athena and the cats. Not like depression has let me have the energy to spend much time with them, but it's something. It gets me out of bed in the mornings. Athena always gets so excited whenever anyone comes over. I know it's just a dog thing, but I wonder if i'm not enough for her, even with me trying harder lately to spend time with her. I try my best. As much as i'm glad i'm not wasting my days away on social media, it makes each day that much longer-feeling.
My dad forgot he was supposed to come over, today. That's the second time.
I know people would miss me if I left. That's part of why i'm so social irl and online, honestly, because how else do I prove to myself that i'm real? It's not like i've had much else impact on the world. But it's hard when one of the people who care... Who are supposed to care, anyway- clearly wouldn't. Miss me, I mean. I'm not suicidal. Not anymore. But it's been getting worse again. I want to say this is the worst i've felt in years but whenever I say that it turns out to just be the bpd talking. It's hard when you can't even really believe your own emotions.
I hope I get a new therapist soon. Maybe then I won't feel the need to vent to a website.