24/10 [Medication]

Today, I went and saw my new psychiatrist for the first time. Confessed how i've been feeling. She's going to put me on anti-depressants.
I can't... Describe how I feel. I still feel terribly unwell. I'm in physical and mental pain but i'm all cried out. But this is... Hope, I guess. I know I still have to solve the root issues behind... Everything. There's a lot I still need to do. I'm still not treating athena and the cats as well as they deserve. But I feel... Hopeful. That maybe I can feel good enough to start improving. I really hope this helps. This psychiatrist is taking me more seriously then my last one ever did. Things aren't better yet, but there's definitely a weight off my chest. Things aren't better yet, but... I have hope.

23/10 [Food/eating]

This was originally going to be another vent entry but then I accidentally, in all my ZERO cooking experience, accidentally stumbled upon culinary genius. And thus I have to share my discovery with you even though it's not really an original discovery I looked it up after and other people have done it but NONE THE LESS. I decided I wanted to try cooking smth again. And my brother before faking his death showed me that you can just toast shit in a pan. So i was like Fuck It I took some grilled cheese and some bread and made a sandwich and put it in the pan (I don't know if this is the wrong way to do this but it works ok) so I made grilled cheese. Accidentally set off the fire alarm but nevermind that. I finished and my fucked up sense of smell triggered and I was like. Wait. This smells like french toast. Does it? I have no clue but it did in that moment. So I was like. What if I put syrup on it?? So I tried that. And it was so fucking good guys. Like genuinely it was SO GOOD. It was a very similar eating experience to french toast- it didn't taste quite the same obviously (I kinda am craving french toast now...) BUT it was DAMN good. And way easier then french toast. So. Hell yeah.

IDK i've had a lot of trouble lately with figuring out what... The point of my days are. What the point of my life right now is. And maybe it's a little stupid to say the point of today happening was that I got to have a really cool aha moment with grilled cheese of all things, but. It's good to be able to say... There was something, I guess.

22/10 [VENT - Depression/Seasonal Depression/negativity/self deprecation]

I should make sure I write these even if I don't necessarily have anything good to say, right? It's important to be honest at least with yourself.
Though I really wish I did have something good to say. I'm tired. What's new? I think winter depression's setting in, maybe. I don't know. It seemed to completely miss me last year, so I thought maybe I was done with seasonal depression. Stupid assumption. But also I don't want to just think it's for no real reason... Fuck. Nevermind. I was trying to think about my seasonal depression and I remembered something someone said two years ago about me complaining too much during this time of year...
I mean, he wasn't wrong. I can't seem to shut the fuck up about my issues. That's kinda why i'm writing here... So that I can write in a place people who care could theoretically see, so i'm not talking to no one, so that I can feel like maybe someone cares, but also in a place unlikely FOR them to see, so I don't have to worry about the consequences of upsetting someone I care about by reading it. I get to feel hopeful that maybe someone will see how i'm feeling without actually expressing it out loud. ...That's how I am about a lot of things, actually. I feel like... I'm hyper and friendly and goofy because that's enjoyable and likeable, and also because on some level it is who I am, but I don't know how to turn it off. I know my friends would argue with me about if I brought it up, but I feel like very rarely do I share sincere emotion and get treated seriously in turn anymore... I dunno. Maybe I just can't bring down the walls of lightheartedness enough for people to realize I am being serious. C isn't really like that either. Maybe i'm just dramatic. I want to be sincere... I want to share my real emotions with someone again. But I just... I can't. I think that's why I rarely show off my big game projects or ideas anymore. I'm just... Not a sincere person like that. Not anymore. Not even sure I should be.
What's the point of any of this.

15/10 [Medical nonsense/medical paranoia/paralysis/fear of paralysis i dunno???]

Just had the weirdest experience... My head got all foggy and messed up and I kinda felt a little dizzy like when I had an ear infection. and I couldn't... Move? Like executive dysfunction can't move, I think. Like I was drawing and I sent the pen down and just... Stared. I set a timer that goes off at a certain time that goes off at a certain time, and I moved my eyes to look at it when it went off, but I couldn't actually move to stop it for like... 30 seconds. All I could think is what the hell is wrong with me? I mean I guess this isn't the first time this has happened but like it's been a minute. It's still like in the back of my head but now that i'm doing smth it isn't? doing that. Like as long as i'm not completely still it's fine. Harder to keep typing but not like that hard. What is in motion stays in motion or something? My body is a medical miracle I swear. Not even the first time this has happened actually... It happened awhile ago. The first time was really scary. I couldn't move and I was scared I wasn't going to be able to keep breathing. I tried to call for help but in that state I only managed a whisper and then I couldn't manage anything at all, and I was scared I was going to die. But then it stopped. This got really dark actually whoops uh- i'm okay though it wasn't scary this time. I remembered the time before and also the way my head "hurt" was familiar so all in all it wasn't anything new? I guess lack of sleep is getting to me. My fault for not doing much today I guess.
But! I did draw some. Some random doodles, some figure drawings using figurosity, and 10 little boxes. I heard there's like a challenge to draw a bunch of those to help improve your perspective so i'm doing that! Ugh my head still feels weird... I'm gonna go get some water and see if that helps (whenever I get these weird headaches which is part but not all of this EVERYTHING TASTES SALTY AND I GET DEHYDRATED??) bye i guess

14/10

* I should actually write something real here.
I've been sketchbooking again lately. It's been almost a year since I did any traditional drawing- I checked and I finished my last full sketchbook in december. I've had two sketchbooks since then but one of them I gifted away unfinished and the other one... I dunno what happened to that one?? I should find it. Uh. Anyway!
That's been nice. I made some nice drawings (I had colored pencils so I get to color them too, which is rare for my sketchbooks) and wrote a little journal entry explaining what my life is/was like at the start of the book for future-me purposes. I'll probably share some of the drawings on this site, so look forward to that. It's been really nice. It's wild that I have 9 full sketchbooks of drawings and probably twice that worth of digital art. (I should post more of it...)
There's a lot going on personally and a lot I want to add to this website, but one thing at a time.

14/10 [FIRST POST!]

* Hey look, it's a blog post!
This formatting was inspired by corvidae.digital. This is the first blog post. Older entries are archived versions of the digital journal I was using before this.

Undated

* I'm still doing bad but at least i'm doing things. Today was... Okay. I dunno if tomorrow will be. I kind of don't want it to be so I can prove that i'm really not doing well- that it's not just my cyclical moods again. (Did you know there's a disorder that's just that? When your moods are cyclical like that but it's Not bipolar levels. Apparently it's called Cyclothymia. If i'd heard of it before I realized I have bpd, I might have thought that was it. Honestly it still might be but idc anymore about this shit. Getting my bpd semi-diagnosed really calmed my hypochondriac tendencies. I think smth about it was just the last missing puzzle piece I needed.)
Not the point though. I'm alright I guess. I had a few genuinely happy moments tho most of today was apathetic. Drastically prefer that to my previous moods.
I sketched out and am working on a new index for the site, one that's all mine, even if it has some limited leftover code. I am glad for it. A template was helpful but I want to start drifting away from that... Start really making this place my own. Even if it's "worse" in other's eyes, it'll be better because it'll be mine. Though the website IS officially completely unusable on mobile... Oh well. In 15 years when i'm good enough at coding to fix that I will, but this is a hobby, not a career, heh. Maybe after the index i'll redo a bunch of the rest of the site to be my own too... We'll see, I suppose.

1/10 [VENT - depression/loneliness/suicide mention]

* Lately i've been dreading the days between social calls. I can spend all I like on here coding or playing p4au I like. It's still... It's so long.
I haven't seen my brother in days. I probably won't see him again for a week. At least, hopefully, he'll pay the rent next time. And my dad... He hates coming over here. I don't know why. But he hates being in the house very long. I don't even get along with him that well nowadays, but it's hard to know. Look at my calendar and see oh, four more days before I get to hear another person's voice. I want to get a job, or volunteer, or go find some classes, or something. But I can't drive and my brother has the car anyway. It's not like i'm not used to it, exactly. This isn't any worse then it was before. But it's been... Harder on my mind, lately. I think all the work I have to do around the house is getting to me.
At least I have Athena and the cats. Not like depression has let me have the energy to spend much time with them, but it's something. It gets me out of bed in the mornings. Athena always gets so excited whenever anyone comes over. I know it's just a dog thing, but I wonder if i'm not enough for her, even with me trying harder lately to spend time with her. I try my best. As much as i'm glad i'm not wasting my days away on social media, it makes each day that much longer-feeling.

My dad forgot he was supposed to come over, today. That's the second time.

I know people would miss me if I left. That's part of why i'm so social irl and online, honestly, because how else do I prove to myself that i'm real? It's not like i've had much else impact on the world. But it's hard when one of the people who care... Who are supposed to care, anyway- clearly wouldn't. Miss me, I mean. I'm not suicidal. Not anymore. But it's been getting worse again. I want to say this is the worst i've felt in years but whenever I say that it turns out to just be the bpd talking. It's hard when you can't even really believe your own emotions.

I hope I get a new therapist soon. Maybe then I won't feel the need to vent to a website.

27/9

* Time to make my very first of these... Oh boy.
I played ace attorney with a few of my friends today. Me and Puppy had already finished the main trilogy- Ren was completely new to all of it. We managed to get Turnabout Sisters done which considering how slow we tend to go is an accomplishment. I got the honor of voicing Redd White and Edgeworth, both of which were very fun. I'm excited to voice Franziska. I'm going to be awful at it, but I love her.

I'm having a lot of fun with this website, and there's lots I want to do with it, but i'm.. Exhausted. I'm glad for what this site has done for me, (I haven't opened social media more then briefly, nor have I been particularly tempted to when I do have the option) but i'm getting increasingly worried i'm going to burn out on making it. I suppose it's alright if I do, and nobody's FORCING me to make it, obviously. I want to really start putting myself out there in this community, but it's been hard finding stuff that's a good size... Not too small, not hugely overwhelming. I've had some friendly interactions with some other webmasters on here, so that's a good start. ...I promised I wouldn't just talk about this website on here, but, well, it's the main thing going on I could talk about, and i'm tired from earlier today. Voice acting even just among friends is one of the most tiring things in the world.

Talking out loud generally is, some days.

...Sometimes, honestly? I wish I didn't have a voice at all. Not today, really. I had fun, even if i'm tired now. Not... Well, no. It's less that and more I wish I didn't have a presence at all, some days. I wish I could cut away my shadow, my voice, the sound of my footsteps. I'm an incredibly social person. (Sometimes I wish being social didn't mean talking, text or voice.) I've made... Acquaintences? Friends?- With my neighbors, with quite a few people online, with some people at the craft shop, even. I like being a person. I like standing out.
But sometimes I wish I didn't have to be. I wish I could be an elusive wild animal, or a faceless body in a crowd, or completely invisible. I wish I could walk home in the dark safely, unnoticed. I used to be afraid of the dark as a kid, but not anymore. The dark hides things from your eyes, but it's not like I don't know what's around me, and I don't believe in monsters anymore. My feet and my sense of direction will get me home, summer sun or winter night. Around the house as well. So all it's really hiding is me- no watchful eyes. I'm home alone most days now. It took me time to adjust, but it's... Peaceful. It's nice not to be anyone at all. I resonate a lot with some strange combination of the Stranger and the Dark, for the magnusheads out there. (Though i'm not dumb enough to think that if I did live in that kind of world, I wouldn't be irrevocably marked by Death.)

Knew if I just kept typing i'd have something to say.